hi.

this is probably the hardest blog i've ever had to write.

there are many things i want to say, things that i wish i had said before that moment vanishes...

why is it so hard for the right words to come out?

it's always hard when someone says goodbye.

...

my grandfather passed away yesterday.

it's been a very hard few days for me...i've never known what grief really was...until now.

it's hard for me to explain what i truly feel...i'm trying to associate emotions somehow, but all i can really feel is this overwhelming silence.

i'm not sure if it's because i'm truly at peace with what has happened...or maybe because i'm just numb to what has happened...or maybe things haven't kicked in yet.

all i know is that i'm glad he's not suffering anymore...that he is in a much better place.

it's that peace that's keeping me sane right now.

i was actually even able to go to work today...a bit numb, but plastic smiles seem to work.

...

my friends kept me sane too.

three of them came by at work...as if God was answering my prayers, knowing how much i needed them to be there.

i know they'll be reading this blog sometime, but i can never thank them enough for being there.

kyle slavin.
patricia de matos.
alexandra davis.
THANK YOU.

i just wanted to acknowledge you guys by name, because you were HERE on a day when i really needed the company of people i love and trust...cheesy, yes...but this is truly what i feel right now.

seriously.

*sigh*

...

i'm usually not at a loss for words.

but then my mother asked me if i could do a eulogy for my grandpa.

i'm really not looking forward to this.

i don't know what to say about him...i feel that my words are not enough, that i might say the wrong thing...i just don't think i'm capable of doing this right now.

i wish i had talked to him, heart to heart, before things went awry with his health.

i wish i had told him, straight up, that i loved him dearly.

when i talked to kyle last wednesday about what i truly felt about my grandpa's situation, he told me that i should visit him at the hospital, and just say all things that i needed to say to him.

he left on friday.

i never had that opportunity at all.

the only time i was finally able to say what i needed to say was as he lay there, in his death bed.

all i could utter were these words:

i wish i had the chance to say goodbye.

maybe it will be my chance to talk to him at the memorial service.

maybe God is giving me an opportunity to finally say what i truly feel.

*long pause*

this is all i can say right now.

...peace out...