i am not rested.

i feel like running.

i don't feel good.

i am not in my best state of mind.

and i don't know why.

...

i'm happy in certain situations, but when i go home, i feel like running away from all the drama that is still happening in my life...i want to deny the things that have happened and are happening to me right now.

last sunday, i had another scary moment...my grandma suddenly had a diabetic attack...low-blood sugar...couldn't speak, couldn't get up...paramedics were called, and they had to bring her to the hospital...i was up, getting ready for an enjoyable father's day, and suddenly my nightmare is happening all over again.

(she's fine now, back at home...but...)

i haven't completely dealt well with all the shit that has happened to me in the last few months...heck, the last few years...my grandpa's death, the three months we tried to nurse him back to health, it took a toll in our family...i'm still lingering in the stuff that happened to me, even two years ago, especially with the bad first relationship...and with the busyness of school and the monotony of life and work, i just haven't had a chance to sit down and be quiet and think.

even when i'm home, i drown myself with the drone of television and technology...there's no escape for me here.

i want to escape.

...

i think that's my main motivation right now for my trip...it's not a good motivation...it's not the RIGHT motivation...but right now that's all i want to do...go away, far away from everything i know to be true right now.

i kind of told this to someone i work with, and she said...

now, don't throw your life away.

it was not my intention to show my true insecurities to her at that moment in our conversation, but i guess she sensed it.

i want to give it all to God...but it's like it's not being taken from me all at once...

or i have just decided to keep some for myself...because i'm afraid of what i might find.

i need to get out of this wallow.

i still don't know if i'm completely me sometimes.

i still have to peel away the layers.

i am not myself.

at least, not yet.

hope you'll see me in a lighter mood in the next few days.

...peace out...