i was about to go to sleep.

i had just finished writing my political agenda story (barely...it REALLY sucks)...ready to turn off my laptop and call it a night.

but then i decided to read kyle's blog.

damn, i hate it when i start thinking philosophically.

i just can't stop thinking, can't i?

i could wait till tomorrow to start discussing and talking, but when i think about it more in my head, the more i'm distracted, and the more i won't be able to fall asleep.

plus it's good exercise for me to start writing my thoughts...thus, i won't forget about it tomorrow morning.

...

life should be simple.

it's a good point, really...say it is so...not a worry in the world...no school, no work, no problems, no hardships, no bullshit...just live life as it is, without the bumps.

the problem is, as we get older, we realize that life isn't so simple after all.

a lot of people wish they were younger...life isn't so filled with responsibilities and problems and harsh realities yet.

but i had to deal with that at an early age...or at least, as i look back in my childhood, it wasn't all that peachy-kin.

God, i hated it when i was a kid...i was teased heavily, i didn't have many friends, i didn't have a whole lot of people to turn to...even in high school, i had to deal with so much shit, i couldn't find who i was anymore.

i only had one really good year in high school...and i barely survived that one...the only reason why i came out of it alive was because i surrounded myself with positive people...and then all hell broke lose when i went into my senior year.

when i finally graduated in 2001, i was relieved...i was so suffocated by my surroudings, i just needed to get away...and fast.

i think that's the reason why i decided to take two years off before i went to college...i had to find myself somehow...i realized that at that point in time, i needed to find my life again...and whatever i thought life was supposed to be, well, it wasn't what it was.

i did eventually find it, buried beneath all the personal baggage i had from when i was younger...funny, i still bring it along with me, even up to this point...sometimes it's just hard to put them down and let them go.

but i've never had a more fulfilled life than i have now...for the first time, i feel like i'm not going through life alone...i was never alone anyways, i had God on my side...but i've got friends now too...and somehow, i feel more grounded that way.

kyle said that things are going way too fast in our program...he's right...in the span of 5 months i've done and tried everything...stuff that i would never imagine myself getting into or doing myself...stuff that seem crazy to some, but to me, it's a passion...there's just no question, i wanted to do it.

sometimes i question why i'm doing all these things...why am i getting into a career that is, well, not as profitable as many other jobs out there?...am i doing this only for the mere reason of getting money and being famous?

i'd like to think of myself as a hopeless idealist...at certain points, anyways...i want to think that once i graduate from my program, i would land a cushy job, and i'll find that special someone, raise a family and we'll live happily ever after.

the thing is, if life were that simple, would it be worth living at all?

i want God to take away everything too...just quiet everything down, stop me from worrying about stuff...if i can count how many times i've wanted a machine so i can freeze time and just STOP, i would be a millionaire.

but life can never be simple.

it is pointless, and monotonous, and repetitive...but we have to get past that, and find where life itself comes from...if i don't think of it in that manner, then i think i'd go insane.

my comfort is in the fact that my life isn't meaningless because i live it in the faith and hope that there's something more than this wretched body of ours.

it's hard for me explain it, because i will go into all sorts of philosophical jargon that i can't even understand myself.

but that's the notion of life.

somehow, we just have to deal with it.

that's when we need each other the most.

if i can do one thing for any one of my friends, i would just let them know that i'll be there for them.

we'll deal through this together.

i seriously hope we will.

i KNOW we will.

...

there are still a lot of things to say...but maybe i'll wait for it till tomorrow.

...peace out...